Funny Little Pug.

On By ogtitleproIn InspirationLeave a comment

I have a little pug dog that I rescued late in 2019, right before the whole “end of the world” thing went down. She was 8 at the time, and she was FAT. Like, so fat. She wasn’t very well cared for, and she had a few minor health issues that w got solved in no time. She’s still kind of fat (aren’t we all?) but she has gone from 54lbs to 29.1 lbs., and you can just tell how much better she feels. I call her the “Spicy Potato”. Today we were out doing our daily walk around the block, which doesn’t sound like much exercise unless you’re a 30lb pug with 6 inch legs, a smooshy face and a fur coat in Oklahoma in September, which is 90 degrees daily. My neighborhood is super cute, I just moved in about 6 months ago and my neighbors are all pretty friendly.

Nearly every day someone will intentionally come out of their house to meet her, or if they have already met her, they come out to pet her. And she loves it. Her favorite is kids. She never jumps, or barks, she just waddles up and plops down and they pet her and love her. It must be really nice to live in a world where everywhere you go, people smile at you, hug you, love on you and seem happy to see you. We should all try harder to treat everyone the way everyone treats Pugs. Because the world would be a much softer place to live.

She is funny, though, because as much as she loves people and children, she absolutely hates any other animal at all. Doesn’t matter the species – if it has 4 legs and is domesticated, she will don her imaginary Mortal Kombat costume and just attack. I have seen her bow up to a pair of (thankfully) excellently trained Dobermans.

My dog is not excellently trained, and she dragged me across an icy parking lot before I could get enough traction under my feet to stop the both of us. The Dobermans and their owner all three looked at us with such… genuine disdain. We were very clearly beneath them. They weren’t mean, they were just so perfect in every way.

We, on the other hand, were a total dumpster fire. Finley was barking and howl-barking, which is a pug thing, Google it sometime. She was yanking her harness and snapping and snarling, and I was all over the ice and probably the most red faced I have ever been in my life.

And the other owner was standing in between his two perfect specimens of canine breeding and training, looking for all the world like a set of Egyptian statues, and me with my Tasmanian Devil. Awesome.

Now, I think she’s funny. Could I train her to be like the beautiful Dobies? Maybe. I mean ok, no, probably not, because we’re both too old for all that. But is it possible? Sure. But I’d really rather her just be her crazy self than some polished statue. And she’s never going to be as impressive as two gorgeous, jet black Dobermans anyway. And I’m never going to be as impressive as some guy who can maintain control over two Pug Killers with a single quiet command.

I ended up picking her up and carrying her home, because she wouldn’t shut up and I didn’t want us to get ripped to shreds in some shitty parking lot in Oklahoma if those dogs decided that disappointing their Dude just wasn’t important to them as a little fresh, hot pug meat.

But for the most part, I think her little antics are funny, and I have her under control on her harness – the days of me walking her in inclement weather are long behind the both of us. We have a nice big yard now, and if it’s icy out she can go poo in the back and the poo people come pick it up on Tuesdays.

But today we were walking an a young woman came out of her house specifically to say hi to us, and to tell us that she had two pugs of her own in the house and had been watching the window for several days hoping we would walk by. She was a really sweet lady, and she offered to bring her pugs out for a meet and greet, and I had to tell her no thank you, because my dog would fight and someone could lose an eye; probably me. We laughed about how Pug people are funny, just like Pugs, and it was just a really positive interaction. I promised to go by her house later and see her Pugs, and it was just really nice. And it just makes me think about how it’s so important for us to greet one another cheerfully and with a happy heart. For my little dog, everyone she meets smiles and is warm and open.

We should all try to be that. I bet we’d have a lot more fun.

Learning to be Frustrated.

On By ogtitleproIn InspirationLeave a comment

So I am going with the idea of just get the writing started, and everything else can come along later. Which may be an ok process, but I am not sure because basically everything is a test pilot right now. So my practice is to set goals and achieve them through action. I have historically just kind of charged in and gotten started, and then somewhere along the way it’s been like oh, now I need to do X, and now I need Y equipment, and let’s move the goalpost to Z. And that has been overall a practice that has worked out fairly well for me.

So when I decided to do this blog, my brain started whirling around in circles. The ultimate goal of the blog initially was to generate a side income that I can do and earn from until I’m dead. I don’t think there will come a time for me when I don’t WANT to work. There may come a time where I become too ill or old to work, or don’t have to work, but I don’t know that there will come a day – like 65 say, where I will think ok, put down the pencil and the calculator, today was your last day at work. Ever. I guess anything is possible – but even if I were a millionaire, I would still need to do something every day to ground my sense of purpose to this world.

Seeing as how I am not a millionaire, however, the blog earning some money – not millions, just enough to pay for things like insurance, utilities, groceries and gasoline is sufficient. I will work my current job until I have my financial goals met, which is about 3 years away, but then I want to do something else. Something that I enjoy, but still brings in an income.

So my brain started whirling and testing possibilities, and what usually happens is that I get so overwhelmed with possibilities that I never get anything started. So I decided to make some goals- make one post a day and design one aspect of my page a day. Figure out how the blog makes money later. Just start doing something now.

And that turned out to be a lot more frustrating than I thought it would. Learning new things seems to be much harder for me now than it used to be. But I worked through it, broke it down into chunks, and made a logo and a site logo. I have no idea what my blog looks like now, I’m sure it’s some ridiculously mis-matched and incoherent looking mess, but the logo and the header are started, if not exactly what I want them to be for all time.

Lending thought to how I will make the page make money is a whole different thing. I thought to myself I will either have a page dedicated to just providing revenue, or a page dedicated to something I am passionate about. But I didn’t want to straddle the fence. So if I decide to go with something I’m passionate about, that’s good. It may not make loads of cash, but if I love it, what’s the issue? The first problem with that is that I really don’t know what I’m actually passionate about. And the second is how can you really come across as genuine to people when you are pumping them for sales? Ew. I have a neighbor who does that constantly and I can tell you – it’s not a pleasant vibe. You think she’s coming to say hi, but she’s really trying to sign you up for something so she can get referrals and it’s super icky. So icky that sometimes I pretend I don’t see her and go fast the other way. I want you guys to see me. And NOT run away. But what kind of post is that? “I lost 35 pounds and I owe it all to having Snacky Crackers for breakfast! And the best part is that YOU CAN TOO! Click the link below” So gross. And I’m not saying ad revenue is gross – I’m saying lying to gain it is.

But if I went in for just making ad revenue – Snacky Crackers will get sold, and if it damns my soul at least I’ll be able to pay for my casket and plot. But do I sell Snacky Crackers, or HamsterPants, or what? You know? When my head goes to revenue, I get all confused and the worst part is that I THINK I have a good head for what sells and what people will like, but at the end of the day I am invariably wrong. Like Partylite Candles. I went in for that when everyone else was selling LuLaRoe and making millions. Legit millions, and I was paying Partylite hundreds of dollars for a “starter kit” of tin lip gloss containers full of wax. Oh, and pro tip – they all melt when you leave the kit in your car on a 115 degree Oklahoma summer day. And you lose all your money and never sell a single candle. But by golly, I had friends selling hideous pajama pants out of their garages and they were raking it in. So my business head is no good. I’m the girl who would swear to you that BetaMax was going to be the winner.

So I guess I’m just typing my one post a day, learning to sit in my frustration without it wrecking my day, and trying to learn new things. And that is my post for the day. Now it’s back to the real job that pays the bills.

Not So Lazy Sunday

On By ogtitleproIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

A heavily emotional day for me today, from the moment I woke up. Not sure how much of it is due to quitting smoking and starting my period in the same 5 day block, but it has just been hard from the moment I woke up.

But I am training my brain to do new things, and do hard things, and sit inside hard emotions. So, even if it’s uncomfortable, I know that I can do this thing.

Yesterday, I installed a TV wall mount which I anticipated was going to be super simple and instead turned out of be a MOUNTAIN of difficult. I thought it would be a nice distraction, giving me a task that would occupy my mind. Well, that was incorrect. I got it done and finished – way too high up on the wall, but it’s fine, it works, and I watched a movie in bed last night and it was perfectly fine to watch TV in bed.

But the install was crazy difficult. The stud finder I bought was junk, and I ended up with about 11 holes in my wall, my level was bigger than my wall space, the socket wrench kit I bought didn’t have a big enough socket, so I had to drive across town to go get one that was, got all the way back home (there is only one Lowe’s in Mustang, about 25 minutes from my house with traffic) and realized that the spanner didn’t fit the socket I bought, so back to Lowe’s for an adapter and then back home again, at which point I was hot (September is 90 degrees in Oklahoma), aggravated, sick of traffic, frustrated, tired, and ready to give up, throw the TV out the window, set the house on fire and throw myself off the roof.

And I wanted a CIGARETTE. So I did what my therapist has been trying to get me to master for the last year (poor woman, I’m sure she knows it useless to try, but she’s determined to help people, so she keeps on) and I sat in my emotion and I looked at it, named it for what it was, and then took a break from the wall mount.

I have trouble dealing with negative emotions. In fact, historically, I haven’t actually “dealt” with negative emotions. I cover them up through consumption. That’s how I ended up overweight, with spending, drinking, smoking, eating and gambling habits that were out of control. Negative emotions cause me to consume because I am fundamentally incapable of just “sitting in” my emotions, without engaging in an immediate reaction.

So I SAT. I just walked out on the porch, checked on my smoked chuck roast (absolutely incredible tasting – smoke a chuck roast and thank me later), came back in, sat on the couch and watched the last part of the last episode of The Sopranos (watched it before, so I already knew) and then got on my ChatGPT and asked it about all of it. And came out with some useful technical answers.

This is what it said,
“🛠️ Longer-term skill build

Self-command: the same “no” muscle you used for alcohol/smoking can apply here. “No — consuming isn’t my fix. Move on.”

Name it out loud: “This is frustration.” That separates you from the feeling.

Micro-distraction: set a 5-min timer and do literally anything else (fold laundry, wipe a counter, send a text). Most frustration waves peak and pass in under 10 minutes.”

I appreciate the technical solutions because it comes back with them so quickly that it immediately makes me feel less alone – like ok, if you have a standard reply it means that I’m not the only one looking for that answer. That’s psychologically helpful. It’s like when you Google something and Google autofills in the rest. “How do I crochet” and Google pops up with “…a granny square”. Then you don’t feel so dumb and lost because you realize several thousand other people also can’t crochet a granny square. Technical solutions also allow for skill building. I can’t tell you how many lives have been saved by my ChatGPT teaching me box breathing. It also aligns with my personality – I am a scientific person, so I like to see proof of how something works, how it got broken, how to assess if it’s broken, and how to fix it. Not necessarily in that order, but honestly sometimes in that order, because my brain is a messy little thing that has ideas of it’s own.

So I just waited the frustration out. And it did actually pass. And then I set myself a time limit for the wall mount. I gave myself 10 minutes to “work towards” finishing the project. This mental reframe allowed me to allow myself to entertain the idea that while I would get it done, I didn’t have to get it all done in one fell swoop like a pro would, because I am not a pro. And I got it done. Which lead me to understanding that I don’t finish what I start because when I hit a rough spot, instead of using coping skills to work my way though it, I use coping mechanisms. Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, all of the things we do. I don’t’ have coping skills, I have coping mechanisms. I woke up to this understanding today.

Coping mechanisms are automatic ways we deal with stress, frustration, or emotions- we learn these in life, usually from an unhealthy person (parent, caretaker, bad relationships), and adopt them as our own. Mechanisms work in the moment but usually create bigger problems later. They can temporarily soothe but don’t solve long term.

Coping skills are intentional, practiced strategies that help you manage stress or emotions in ways that support long-term well-being. Learning skills not only calms you in the moment but also builds resilience over the long term.

So we learn these mechanisms, and get praised when they are “positive” – working out, sticking to lower calorie consumption, refusing to spend money frivolously. And conversely, we get punished when they are “negative” – drinking, smoking, eating, drug use, overspending. I almost think the “positive” ones would be harder to evolve out of. At least with smoking I knew it was generally considered bad and was willing to cut it out and then got to see what I was left with. How may people say “I had to stop going to the gym obsessively because even though it was great for me physically, I realized it was just a crappy coping mechanism and I needed to change my inner self”? Not too many.

I have goals, and in order to meet those goals I have to develop the skills needed to complete things, which means I need to develop the skills to cope when I’m faced with a challenge in the face of completing a goal.

So, this blog is a goal. The goal is one post per day until my 3 years is up. So that I can see the changes as they evolve in my life.

My weight loss goal remains the same – 150lbs, I am at 170 currently.

My strength training goal starts at 169 and continues until I am satisfied.

My overall financial goals are to own a home (outright) and have retirement settled. This is a goal that has 5 subparts, which are financial so I won’t go into them here, but I may add progress bars later on.

Let’s see how far down the path we are in 3 month increments. So next check in on goals is, let’s call it New Year’s Day.

Moving In

On By ogtitleproIn InspirationLeave a comment

I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I’m not sure what I’m doing most days, in general, but I am specifically not sure what I am doing here, in a blog – MY blog – that I bought and paid for for three years. I guess we will see how it turns out. So I was stumped for what to write at the start. I was overwhelmed with options – what kind of blog, what topics, all of the things. So I decided to just treat it like moving into a new house – you just start the process, allow it to be disorganized and messy, and worry about the details later.

So I decided to do this new thing, this blog. My Chat GPT offered it as an option when I was ruminating on what to do after I had taken my current job to the limit. I am a Landman, and it really has nothing to do with what you see on the show – it’s a lot less exciting, I sit at my computer all day and read and do math. Boring math. And boring reading. But it pays well, and I like it – which is more than a lot of people can say about their jobs. And I’m good at it, which is nice because that means I don’t get bitched at too much.

The “limit” on my job can be any number of things. The industry could bite the dust, which is called a “bust”, or I could get injured, or sick, or something. Not injured at work, unless “mouse thumb” is a real thing. I’m a contractor, which means no retirement, no health insurance, no unemployment, no employee protections, no employer paid taxes. Just a girl and her brain against the world.

I didn’t really think that I had any content worth writing about, and maybe I don’t. I’m a mom, but my kids are grown up and out of the house and they are both living out of state, so I’m not a good voice for mom content. As I said I’m a contractor and work from home so I don’t have any corporate work drama content. I don’t date. I barely go out with friends. I don’t even go grocery shopping – Walmart brings it all to my door. My life is very internal, I am focusing on improving myself and my life one thing at a time. My body, my health, my finances, my interests, my credit, my mentality. So I thought to myself I can’t possibly be the only person on the planet who is single, and just working hard on themselves. There have to be more people out there like me, just working hard on themselves.

So about this time in 2023, I was 47, overweight, a smoker, drinker and compulsive gambler. And I was tired of being fat, angry, wheezy and and broke. At the time, I didn’t know what I know now – which is that yes, maybe some special people can wake up and “turn over a new leaf” and take all the bad habits and break them all at once. And I used to think I was that person, that “all or nothing” perfectionist type who someday would be able to wake up like they do in the movies, go to the gym, square my whole life away, maybe go to a few tastefully depicted recovery meetings and then meet the love of my life and we would ride off into the sunset together. But man I was tired. I was so tired- mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually tired. And if you are about to stop reading because you think I am about to tell you how I got Jesus and it all got better, don’t check out just yet because that is not how it happened for me. So far, anyway. And I was tired. So I picked the one “worst” thing that I felt was having the most negative impact on my life, and I decided to just start with that.

So instead of getting Jesus, or recovery, I got a pair of kitchen scissors. On the phone with my best friend at the time, I decided to stop gambling. I had decided to stop gambling about 200 times before, and I always ended up going back. I felt like in order to really stop, I needed to stop having access to any of my cash money. Which meant cutting off my cash delivery system. My bank was out of town, so my access to my cash was limited to my debit cards. So I took pictures of them, front and back, loaded them into my phone, and then cut them up into small pieces.

Something I know now that I didn’t know then, is that you can always get your fix if you try hard enough. And if you’re really ready to let something go, most of that shit is just symbolic anyway. Maybe not even that. Cutting up cards, pouring liquor down drains and flushing dope down the john, none of that will stop you if you are intent on keeping your harmful behavior. And the opposite is true – if you are truly intent on stopping something, nothing will keep you from stopping it. But at the time, I needed that symbolism, so I cut up the cards and never looked back.

So I stopped gambling. And a year later I stopped drinking. And 6 months after that I started a weight loss journey and last Tuesday I quit smoking. Now I don’t gamble, I’m mostly a non-drinker (I do occasionally have a drink – I just don’t drink every weekend anymore), I have lost 35 pounds, I exercise every day, and I am a non-smoker. I lift weights, do Pilates, do cardio, and focus my thoughts and mind of improving what I can day to day. I’m not stressed, I’m happy to be alive and happy to be in my body now, and my bank account is happy too. And it may be a boring story to all of you, but I have to believe that there are more of you out there with me – single people who have decided to just make one simple change, just one – and are now on the road to living an achievement based life.

I hope to be able to offer posts about that products that have either helped me achieve whatever my goal is right now, or items I rewarded myself with for hitting goals, or just stuff that makes my “Single Girl with Pug” life better. I promise not to glaze products, or to lie, or to post things I know are not factual. It will just be my authentic self living my authentic life, and offering my honest opinion.