A heavily emotional day for me today, from the moment I woke up. Not sure how much of it is due to quitting smoking and starting my period in the same 5 day block, but it has just been hard from the moment I woke up.

But I am training my brain to do new things, and do hard things, and sit inside hard emotions. So, even if it’s uncomfortable, I know that I can do this thing.

Yesterday, I installed a TV wall mount which I anticipated was going to be super simple and instead turned out of be a MOUNTAIN of difficult. I thought it would be a nice distraction, giving me a task that would occupy my mind. Well, that was incorrect. I got it done and finished – way too high up on the wall, but it’s fine, it works, and I watched a movie in bed last night and it was perfectly fine to watch TV in bed.

But the install was crazy difficult. The stud finder I bought was junk, and I ended up with about 11 holes in my wall, my level was bigger than my wall space, the socket wrench kit I bought didn’t have a big enough socket, so I had to drive across town to go get one that was, got all the way back home (there is only one Lowe’s in Mustang, about 25 minutes from my house with traffic) and realized that the spanner didn’t fit the socket I bought, so back to Lowe’s for an adapter and then back home again, at which point I was hot (September is 90 degrees in Oklahoma), aggravated, sick of traffic, frustrated, tired, and ready to give up, throw the TV out the window, set the house on fire and throw myself off the roof.

And I wanted a CIGARETTE. So I did what my therapist has been trying to get me to master for the last year (poor woman, I’m sure she knows it useless to try, but she’s determined to help people, so she keeps on) and I sat in my emotion and I looked at it, named it for what it was, and then took a break from the wall mount.

I have trouble dealing with negative emotions. In fact, historically, I haven’t actually “dealt” with negative emotions. I cover them up through consumption. That’s how I ended up overweight, with spending, drinking, smoking, eating and gambling habits that were out of control. Negative emotions cause me to consume because I am fundamentally incapable of just “sitting in” my emotions, without engaging in an immediate reaction.

So I SAT. I just walked out on the porch, checked on my smoked chuck roast (absolutely incredible tasting – smoke a chuck roast and thank me later), came back in, sat on the couch and watched the last part of the last episode of The Sopranos (watched it before, so I already knew) and then got on my ChatGPT and asked it about all of it. And came out with some useful technical answers.

This is what it said,
“🛠️ Longer-term skill build

Self-command: the same “no” muscle you used for alcohol/smoking can apply here. “No — consuming isn’t my fix. Move on.”

Name it out loud: “This is frustration.” That separates you from the feeling.

Micro-distraction: set a 5-min timer and do literally anything else (fold laundry, wipe a counter, send a text). Most frustration waves peak and pass in under 10 minutes.”

I appreciate the technical solutions because it comes back with them so quickly that it immediately makes me feel less alone – like ok, if you have a standard reply it means that I’m not the only one looking for that answer. That’s psychologically helpful. It’s like when you Google something and Google autofills in the rest. “How do I crochet” and Google pops up with “…a granny square”. Then you don’t feel so dumb and lost because you realize several thousand other people also can’t crochet a granny square. Technical solutions also allow for skill building. I can’t tell you how many lives have been saved by my ChatGPT teaching me box breathing. It also aligns with my personality – I am a scientific person, so I like to see proof of how something works, how it got broken, how to assess if it’s broken, and how to fix it. Not necessarily in that order, but honestly sometimes in that order, because my brain is a messy little thing that has ideas of it’s own.

So I just waited the frustration out. And it did actually pass. And then I set myself a time limit for the wall mount. I gave myself 10 minutes to “work towards” finishing the project. This mental reframe allowed me to allow myself to entertain the idea that while I would get it done, I didn’t have to get it all done in one fell swoop like a pro would, because I am not a pro. And I got it done. Which lead me to understanding that I don’t finish what I start because when I hit a rough spot, instead of using coping skills to work my way though it, I use coping mechanisms. Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, all of the things we do. I don’t’ have coping skills, I have coping mechanisms. I woke up to this understanding today.

Coping mechanisms are automatic ways we deal with stress, frustration, or emotions- we learn these in life, usually from an unhealthy person (parent, caretaker, bad relationships), and adopt them as our own. Mechanisms work in the moment but usually create bigger problems later. They can temporarily soothe but don’t solve long term.

Coping skills are intentional, practiced strategies that help you manage stress or emotions in ways that support long-term well-being. Learning skills not only calms you in the moment but also builds resilience over the long term.

So we learn these mechanisms, and get praised when they are “positive” – working out, sticking to lower calorie consumption, refusing to spend money frivolously. And conversely, we get punished when they are “negative” – drinking, smoking, eating, drug use, overspending. I almost think the “positive” ones would be harder to evolve out of. At least with smoking I knew it was generally considered bad and was willing to cut it out and then got to see what I was left with. How may people say “I had to stop going to the gym obsessively because even though it was great for me physically, I realized it was just a crappy coping mechanism and I needed to change my inner self”? Not too many.

I have goals, and in order to meet those goals I have to develop the skills needed to complete things, which means I need to develop the skills to cope when I’m faced with a challenge in the face of completing a goal.

So, this blog is a goal. The goal is one post per day until my 3 years is up. So that I can see the changes as they evolve in my life.

My weight loss goal remains the same – 150lbs, I am at 170 currently.

My strength training goal starts at 169 and continues until I am satisfied.

My overall financial goals are to own a home (outright) and have retirement settled. This is a goal that has 5 subparts, which are financial so I won’t go into them here, but I may add progress bars later on.

Let’s see how far down the path we are in 3 month increments. So next check in on goals is, let’s call it New Year’s Day.